New York City Menaces

I’ve decided there are three kinds of people in New York who are menaces to society.

Perhaps obviously are tourists. I’m not talking about tourists that stop and ask for directions on the corner or a recommendation for a good restaurant. I’m talking about tourists that keep their maps in their hands, wear fanny packs, and stop in the middle of a busy sidewalk. You know the ones I’m talking about. They’re in every city. They don’t post much of a threat until you’re rushing for the subway or down the street for a meeting and then suddenly you’re swerving left to avoid the family of four in front of you who have put on the brakes because they decided that midway between 22nd and 23rd Streets on Park Avenue were a good place to stop admire the architecture and check their maps. Maybe even put on a bit of sunscreen.

Dear tourists, please think before stopping.

Bikers follow tourists as terrible human beings. I’m not talking motorcyclists, though I’m sure if I saw more of them they’d make the list. I’m talking about traditional cyclists, commuting to work and delivering food. As a pedestrian I’m pretty sure they might kill me some day. They don’t wear helmets or follow road rules. They go the wrong way down the street and run red lights. They’re agressive bastards. They shout even when they’re the ones breaking the rules. If I get run over by anyone here it will be a cyclist.

Dear bikers, please learn to follow the rules of the road.

By far, however, the worst of the worst are texters. Those annoying people who swerve their way down the sidewalk with their eyes glued to their phone and their thumbs typing away. It’s only those brief moments when they look up and realize that they’re heading right for you that they return to the right side of the sidewalk. Of course this often comes with dirty looks as if it’s your fault they were in the middle of a busy sidewalk. I’m constantly tempted to run into them. And, on a regular basis I mutter–rather loudly–”watch where you’re walking!” It has no effect though. They still carry on like zombies. I have to wonder what is so important they have to stay attached to their phones.

Dear walking texters, please learn to watch where you’re going or I will start to elbow you in the stomach as you walk by me.

These three groups should be considered threats to safety in New York City. There should be patrols on every corner making sure they follow the rules–at least when I’m out.

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